The Ultimate Question (TUQ)
by MCG
Summary: Buffy is worried, Xander helps... Um... Buffy finds out Joyce and Giles are an item... some sort of evil demony thing in there as well, later that is.
1. Default Chapter

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Chapter the first  
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Buffy stood nervously in her living room. The house was completely empty, which only added to her worries. It meant there was no distractions whatsoever. She was completely alone with her thoughts. All of which revolved round the earlier phone conversation with Giles. He had sounded so worried, so nervous, and it's his state of mind had been passed onto her. He was after all her watcher, and so would no doubt hold some influence over her. His whole mannor on the phone gave her a sense of dejavoo, last time he had been this worried was when he had found out about the prophecy of her death. And it terrified her.  
She had tried everything to take her mind over what he wanted to see her about, because thinking about it always led to the same conclusion. Another prophecy. It all seemed to fit, she had had her time, 20 years old was ancient for a slayer, she had survived once. No, she had survived a thousand times. But this could be her time. She tried to take her mind off of it, but couldn't.  
She decided to turn to the only person who had been able to help her during her last prophecy, picking up the phone, she dialled Xanders number.  
"Xan... Yeah I'm fine"  
how does he always know when I'm in trouble.  
"No it's just... Yeah, could you. See you in a while... No let Will do what she had planned."  
He'll make sure it's all right  
***  
***  
After what seemed like hours, Xander finally pulled up in his brand new (Note(1): brand new to him) second hand car (Note(2): Now you see why note one was important), though she didn't see him pull up, she knew it was him, the sound was so characteristic, as it drove the engine made thumping noises, and when it stopped there would be a high pitched whistle before it conked out. (Yes, the car is based on mine; the stupid piece of crap). Buffy leapt up, and ran to the door, opening it before Xander even had time to ring the door bill.  
  
Xander: Whoa, easy with the door there Buff... Don't forget that slayer strength.  
Buffy: Sorry  
Xander: Well it's not me you should be sorry with, but inanimate objects such as doors, tables and Riley Finns. You don't want to be called 'Buffy the inanimate object slayer' do you, it just doesn't have the same ring to it.  
Buffy grinned at him.  
Buffy: Xander, Riley left months ago. I can't believe you're still ridiculing him.  
Xander: It's good, see it shows I can keep focused on a task for long periods of time. It's one of my better traits.  
Buffy: Yep, don't ever change Xan.  
Xander: You liked that huh? Well you should see some of the material I still have on Angel, and that was years back.  
  
Xander stepped into the door, which in any other town would be rude, but in Sunnydale is standard procedure, at least for the smart... which actually meant it wasn't standard procedure, because the 'smart' bit ruled out a good 90% of Sunnydales population comprised of the stupid, the ignorant, and the naive.  
  
Xander: So are you gonna tell me what's up, or am I gonna have to bribe you.  
Buffy: Well I was gonna just tell you, but now you mention bribery I can't help myself.  
Xander: Once a criminal, always a criminal. Now you can add bribery to your long, long list of crimes.  
Buffy: All of which I was cleared for by the way.  
Xander: Even the demoncide?  
Buffy: No, not that... But it's pending decision.  
Xander: I get ya, can't prosecute if there are no witnesses.  
Buffy: Exactly... No what does this bribery consist of?  
Xander: You, Me, hot sweaty...  
Buffy: Don't even finish that sentence.  
Xander: What, I was going to say training... I was going to let you beat me up, cause we both no Giles is past it.  
Buffy: Sure you was.  
Xander: Okay, you caught me. I can't stop thinking about hot, sweaty karate sessions... I was going to take up self defence classes.  
Buffy thought about this seriously.  
Buffy: You know Xand, if you're going to keep diving into all these battles we have, it might not be a bad idea to learn to fight.  
  
Xander looked horrified, his eyes widened, and his skin palled considerably. If he hadn't crossed the threshold without an invite, Buffy would have thought he was a vampire.  
  
Xander: Self... defence... classes?  
Buffy nodded.  
Xander: Self defence classes?  
Buffy: Yeah, I was thinking ninjitsu, or Kung-Fu, or Tai boxing.  
Xander: Tai... Boxing... Ninjitsu.  
Buffy nodded again, trying to keep her face serious.  
Buffy: No that we've covered what you're going to do, what do you think.  
Xander: We are talking about the same things here... self defence classes where people puch, and hit, and kick?  
Buffy: Or you could really take Giles place in training with me.  
Xander (all to quickly): Kung-Fu it is then.  
Buffy: Good, and when you get better, then you can help me train.  
Xander: Okay, is there anyway I can win here.  
Buffy thought it was time to let Xander off the hook. That would teach him for all the sexual innuendo he made about them... But did she really want him to stop... After all, it made her feel sexy. He made her feel sexy. No, she didn't want it to stop... She was just teasing him.  
She began walking over to the couch signalling Xander to go with her.  
  
Buffy: Relax Xan. I was kidding about the self defence lessons. I know thats not your thing.  
  
Xander seemed relieved, that he didn't have to do the karate, letting out a breath he had been holding in, and noticeably relaxing a bit. But then actually registered what she had actually said.  
Xander: Hey... I take offence to that. I just so happens that I would make a good ninja.  
At that exact moment Xander tripped over a discarded bucket which had been left in the middle of the room, falling ungraciously, and noisily to the floor, landing flat on his arse.  
Xander: Ow, stupid bucket.  
Buffy: You know ninjas are supposed to be stealthy?  
Xander: Hey, even Angel would have fallen over that thing. It's a death trap.  
Buffy: It's a bucket.  
Xander: It almost killed me, therefore it's a death trap.  
Buffy: I'll tell my mum to put out a skull and crossbones sign next time.  
  
Xander scooted over to where Buffy was sitting, looking into her grinning face, and her lively eyes. There was something wrong. He could always tell when there was something wrong with her. Her eyes gave her away, whenever she was worried they would show it. He sat next to her, ready to be the comforting friend he always was. Never expecting anything more.  
  
Xander: Wanna tell me what's wrong.  
Buffy looked straight back into his eyes. Green locked against brown. Both looking deep into each other.  
Several thoughts ran through her head  
Wow, I had actually forgotten all about it for five whole minutes  
How does he always know  
Buffy: Well... Wait, I'm still waiting for my payment.  
Xander: I can pay cash.  
Buffy: How much you have on you  
Xander: Well I have a grand total of...  
Dipping his hands in his pocket pulling out a few coins, and some notes.  
Xander:... Two dollars... and a penny... Paper money  
He flexed the dollar notes like a child would to emphasis his point of 'real paper money'.  
Buffy: Which I will take  
Xander: ...and a chocolate bar... Wow. I didn't know I had that  
He quickly opened the packet, and stuffed half the chocolate bar in his mouth, chewing noisilly on the yummy treat.  
Buffy: Ewww, Xander, how long has that been in there.  
Xander: I dunno, three, four weeks.  
Buffy: That's disgusting.  
Xander: No, no, it's clean, it's been in the wash... Twice infact.  
Buffy made a disgusted face.  
Xander offered her the other half of the chocolate which Buffy frantically tried to push away from her, and out of her space.  
Xander: You sure... Tastes like washing powder.  
Buffy shook her head.  
Buffy: I'll think I'll pass.  
Xander looked at her, trying to convince her to take it.  
Xander: You sure... I don't offer my chocolate to just anyone... Last chance, going once, going twice. Too bad, all the more chocolaty goodness for me. He stuffed the remaining chocolate in his mouth, and gave Buffy the two dollars.  
  
Xander: Ha hoo gon tell he hots wong?  
Buffy: Will you finish your food before you speak... You eat like an animal.  
Xander swallowed the remaining chocolate bar.  
Xander: Are you my mother? I don't think so, I'll eat how I want to eat, and if you don't like it, you should have taken the chocolate bar.  
Buffy:   
Xander: So what's wrong Buff. Why'd ya call me over.  
Buffy sighed, before she told him.  
Buffy: Well Giles phoned this morning.  
Xander was going to interrupt, making a joke about it, but decided against it. Buffy was going to tell him what was wrong, and then he would make it better. She didn't need him interrupting.  
Buffy: He seemed, so... worried... so on edge.  
Xander: Giles is always up tight... He's British, it's what the do. (Authors note: We do not. It's all lies made up by hippies and druggies, cause everyone's uptight compared to them.)  
Buffy: No, this was different. This was... I dunno. He just seemed so... Like when I was prophesised to die.  
Xander looked shocked. He didn't even want to think about that. He still feared that day, it still haunted his memories. And he wouldn't even entertain another day like that. Buffy couldn't die now. She'd lived too long. He wouldn't let it happen.  
Xander: Buff, I don't think it's that. I really don't, it would be too evil. Once, it happened. But no way twice. And if it is, we'll get through it, just like last time. I wouldn't let anything happen to you then, and I won't let it happen to you now. But I really, really don't think it is Buff.  
Buffy: So you just think it's something else... Like me being paranoid?  
Xander: We'll yes... No... Is there a correct answer to this? No I don't think you're paranoid. Yes I do think it's something else.  
Buffy: Like what?  
Xander: Like I dunno... Maybe Giles is dating you're mum.  
Buffy smiled, more then smiled, she was almost giggling at the thought of Giles having a life, of Giles dating... Her mother. Her giggling stopped. She hit Xander lightly, on the arm, lightly for a slayer that is, the blow sent flying to the floor, lying in a heap on the ground.  
Buffy quickly jumped to her feet to go to him.  
  
Buffy: Xander, Xander, are you all right?  
Xander: I think I'm dying.  
Buffy: Serves you right. It's not fun to remind me of that magic candy incident. Making me think of Giles and my Mum... Ewww.  
Xander: But it cheered you up... My work here is done... I must go save another damsel in distress.  
Buffy: That would suit you wouldn't it Xan being a super hero  
Xander nodded eagerly.  
Buffy: Beating the bad guys?  
Xander nodded again. A little more exitidly then last time.  
Buffy: ... saving helpless women?  
Xander: Yes.  
Buffy: Always getting the girl?  
Xander: Double yes.  
Buffy: Who is always so hot and bothered, and so adamant about repaying the superhero in whatever way he so chooses?  
Xanders answered continued to become increasingly spirited  
Xander: Yes, yes, and yes again.   
Buffy: Wearing tights, and having a gay sidekick?  
Xander: God Yes.... I mean No...   
Buffy cracked up laughing  
Xander: Hey, that wasn't fair... You tricked me... Hey, I am a manly man, I would never ever wear tights... except when I'm cross dressing, but that's all business... Hey stop laughing at me  
Buffy just continued laughing, for the first time in that day se felt good. She felt as if nothing could go wrong. Xander had dispelled her fears about what Giles had wanted to talk to her about. She had been right to call Xander. He was probably the only person who could make her feel better when she was in a hole. She had had a choice between Willow, Dawn, Spike?? and Xander. And she stood by her decision.  
Good call  
Nothing could go wrong.  
A very important lesson was learned that day.  
Never, ever, ever, in a million years, in any way whatsoever jinx yourself.  
  
***  
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Chapter the second  
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Giles chose that moment to enter the house. And the fact he had gotten in suggested something was wrong. For a start it wasn't his house. And secondly, he didn't have a key.  
Following closely behind him, very closely behind him, so close behind him infact, that if they were physically closer, they would be the same person. Hand in hand, was her mother.  
Dawn followed them in, and quickly went to her room, out of harms way from the blood bath that would follow.  
Buffy looked completely dazed, not quite taking it all in, then she looked angrily at Xander, who whispered back to her.  
Xander: I didn't know... I'm gone.  
Buffy answered dominantly  
Buffy: Sit down Xander.  
Giles and Joyce nervously sat down in front of Buffy.   
Giles looked from Xander, to Buffy before speaking, or squeaking. He was so nervous he had no voice with which to speak. He had to cough a few times to get out what he had to say, and even then it was, fragmented.  
Giles: Buffy, I (cough)... thought (cough)... I wanted to talk to you alone.... I though I asked only you be here.  
Buffy: What's this, you've become a hypocrite all of a sudden. I see you brought a partner.  
Giles: ...I...  
Xander: I'm out of here. See you all...  
Buffy: Sit.  
Giles: Xander go.  
Buffy: Sit down now.  
Joyce(to Xander): We need to speak to Buffy alone.  
Buffy: Stay.  
Giles & Joyce: Go  
Xander: Observe the human yo-yo.  
Giles: Will you be serious for a moment.  
Buffy (angrily To Giles): Don't shout at him.  
Joyce: Don't speak to Rupert in that tone.  
  
All eyes fell on Xander. Who sat there nervously. He fidgeted under there watchful eyes.  
Xander: What?  
Buffy: It's your turn.  
Xander: My turn to what?  
Buffy got a little angrier  
Buffy: To defend me.  
Xander: What?  
Buffy: Tell them not to shout at me.  
Xander: Buffy, I am not going to shout at your mum.  
Buffy (raising her voice slightly): So, it's three against one is it Xander... Thanks.  
Joyce: Don't shout at him.  
Buffy just gave her an angry glare.  
Buffy: I can speak to him how I want.  
Joyce: No you can't, he's you're friend.  
Buffy: Exactly, MY friend. I can speak to him how I want. And will if he's going to side against me.  
Xander: Buff, I'm not against you.... I'm not against them either.  
Buffy: Pick Xander, you can't remain neutral forever.  
Xander: I opt for a hippie/cowards way out.  
Buffy: Choose.  
Xander: I have Switzerlandish blood...  
Buffy: Now  
Xander: Right now I opt for lunch at MacDonalds... Bye.  
Everyone: Sit.  
Giles: Yes, your involved now.  
Buffy: So who.  
Xander: Right now, I'm with them... Your acting childish.   
Buffy narrowed her eyes.  
Xander: But a good childish... a very sweet, brilliant childish... Your beautiful?  
Buffy: Go get lunch Xander.  
Xander was about to go, but was stopped by Joyce.  
Joyce: No stay.  
Xander: But Buffy just said....  
Buffy (To Xander): This doesn't involve you.  
Xander: But Giles just said...   
Buffy: Okay stay, and side against me.  
Xander: You haven't even heard them out yet.  
Giles: Very true. I think you should hear us out Buffy.  
Buffy: Okay then speak.  
Giles: In front of Xander.  
Buffy looked to Xander, and then to Giles and Joyce.  
Joyce: Xander, could you go check up on Dawn.  
Xander looked at everyone, to see if he should.  
Xander: But I was...   
Xander realised now was his chance to get out of there, without angering anyone.  
Xander: So it's unanimous. Xander goes?  
  
Buffy: Yep  
Joyce: Yes.  
Giles: Correct.  
  
Xander: Just checking.  
And with that he quickly darted up the stairs, towards Dawns room. He knocked twice on the door before entering.  
Xander: Hey Dawn, what's up.  
Dawn: Nothing much just writing in my diary bout my dream guy.  
Xander: Dream guy huh? Who's he? Can I see?  
Dawn: Nope  
Xander: Why not?  
Dawn: Because it's private.  
Xander: So what's he like then, this dream guy?  
Dawn: Amazing, wonderful, handsome, and completely blind to me.  
Xander: Sounds like Buffy to me... well replace handsome with beautiful  
Really, I'd have though you'd be fending them off with a pointy stick.  
Dawn sighing: Nope. Fraid not.  
Xander: Tell you what, to commiserate this jerks loss, how bout you, me, movie fest?  
Dawn: Sounds good... But he's not a jerk.  
Xander: So, do you know about.  
Xander signalled towards the door trying to point to where Giles and Joyce would be, which was pretty difficult considering they were downstairs, and behind a wall.  
Dawn: Yep, I'm pretty key'd up on walls.  
Xander: No, do you know about.  
Xander tried again, trying to signal that he meant the people downstairs, but ended up pointing to the floor.  
Dawn: I'm also well informed on floors.  
Xander: Do you know about Giles and your mum?  
Dawn: Uh huh.  
Dawn walked over, and joined Xander in listening to any sign of life downstairs. Both with their ears pressed against the door.  
Xander: No sound... that's a good sign right? means there talking like rational adults.  
Dawn: Or Buffy's killed them.  
Xander looked worried for a moment.  
Xander: Do you think we should go down there?  
Dawn: And risk getting caught in the crossfire. I don't think so.  
Xander: Your right. So, G-man and your mum huh?  
How comes I'm the only one that doesn't get a Summers girl  
Dawn: You can have me  
Xander: Wha... Oh god, did I say that out loud?  
Dawn smiled sweetly "Yep".  
Xander: Oh... I never... meant... I... Um busted  
Dawn: Busted.  
Xander: I um..  
Dawn grinned at him, enjoying her little power over him.  
Dawn: Yep, 'you um' what?  
Xander: I....???  
Dawn: If your that desperate for a Summers girl you can have me.  
Xander: Okay, let me rephrase that. How come I'm the only one that doesn't get a Summers girl, unless I break the law?  
Dawn: Cause my sisters as blind as you are.  
Xander: Who said anything about you're sister? Not me.  
Dawn: Oh please, it's so obvious it's not even funny.  
Xander: It is?  
Dawn: Yep, but she's so blind to you.   
  
Xander thought about this, it was the same speech he gave to Buffy when he was majorly bitter over her choosing Angel over him, and was trying to get her to really see him. And here was Dawn telling him the same thing, or very similar too. Then something inside him clicked.  
Xander: Oh god... Dawn I'm not... Am I... I'm sorry... sometimes I can miss peoples feelings, I done the same thing with Willow... You know that...  
Xander was saved from giving a 'only friends' speech by Dawn.  
Dawn: Yeah, I know... Buffys already had a long chat with me about the age difference... Although coming from someone that dated a 200 year old corpse...  
Xander: Yeah, but that wasn't the greatest relationship in the world... You should listen to her. She knows first hand.  
Xander was going to continue with a long speech, but was called by Buffy.  
He opened the door and began to venture wearily down the stairs.  
Dawn called out from her room "Don't forget that movie fest."  
Xander: Wouldn't dream of it.  
  
END 2  



	2. The Ultimate Question 2

Xander walked down the stairs, pausing at the bottom to look for signs of an angry slayer. Blood, broken furniture, pieces of crockery, a broken watcher, pieces of mother. Anything. But there was nothing there, Giles and Joyce both sat, fully intact and unharmed on the settee, and what's more, they both looked happy. Things must have gone well. They must have gotten through to Buffy, and he knew for a matter of fact it was hard to sway the slayers mind once it had been made. But it made sense really, who better to get through to her then those who have basically been her parents, well Joyce was really her parent, but Giles was practically her father. He was, alongside Joyce the only authority figure in Buffy's life. And though she was now an adult, and no longer needed parenting as such, he had been... was still there whenever she needed him, he always, with the exclusion of Buffy's 18th birthday, done what was best for Buffy, in no way doing anything that would harm her. He had earned her, and the rest of their respects. He was, in short, all of their friends. If you looked at the situation, there was no reason, bar the fact they hadn't told her sooner, Buffy should be angry, there was as far as Xander knew, hundreds of men out there that would do Buff's mum bad, but none, maybe he was bias, that would do her better. Of course Buffy would be upset, they had lied to her, but after she had got over that, she should be happy for them.

At that point, Xander realised Buffy wasn't in the room, and decided his theory was wrong. 

No Buffy. Well that's a bad sign, looks like the initial Xander prediction was wrong.

Xander: Where's Buffy gone? Did it go that bad?

Joyce smiled at him, his affection for her daughter clearly showing, he was a very good friend. Or more. She was sure there was something happening between them, of late. They had been spending lots of time together, and Buffy's attitude had towards him had changed, something both her and Rupert had seen.

Joyce: Buffy's fine. She's just gone to do a few things.

Xander: So, hows the... her... mood.

Giles: Pardon.

Xander: Buffy, how's her mood... is it one of those 'demons beware, Xander tread lightly' moods, or one of those 'demons beware, Xander you can be yourself' moods?

Giles looked confused, these Americans could never just ask a question, it always had to be in that monstrosity of a language, that they called English, but clearly wasn't. It was a god awful language of their own that might as well have been at times, some sort of code.

Giles: Will you speak so that people can understand you.

Joyce patted Rupert on the knee affectionately, letting him know she would answer. Before turning to Xander to answer his question.

Joyce: Buffy is fine, she was annoyed that we didn't tell her sooner, but she's happy for us.

Xander: Good, cause an angry Buffy usually results in a lot of pain.

Giles: Yes, we are lucky that it's usually directed at the demons.

Xander: Well those pesky things are enough to get anyone mad. Always with the same goals. Destroy the world. I tell you, it can only last so long before it's no longer funny.

Giles: It's not supposed to be funny.

Xander: But it is watching Buffy kick their ass.

Xander was feeling slightly uncomfortable sitting with the newest couple, sure he knew them both, but he didn't quite know how to treat them as just that; 'Them'. A couple. Together. Separately he would know exactly what to say to each of them, but this was a bit of a shock to the system. Giles and Joyce. Joyce and Giles. Buffy's mum, and Buffy's Watcher. It was still a bit weird. He could only imagine what Buffy would be like. Sure, she had seemed fine to them, but was she really.

Xander: Thats her mum, and her watcher, I think they would know if Buffy was all right with it

Xander: Okay. You're right.

Giles: Excuse me?

Xander: What? 

Joyce: You said something.

Arrgghhh, now they're finishing sentence's for one another. Confusion

Xander: I did.

They both nodded at him.

Xander: Sorry, talking to myself.

The three went back to an awkward silence they had slipped into with Buffy's absence. Xander stuffed another biscuit into his mouth so he could avoid saying anything embarrassing.

As he finished chewing, the silence had finally become too much.

Xander: So... Um... Congratulations then.

Both of the couples faces registered genuine shock. Shock that he knew. Giles began choking on a biscuit he had been chewing, and Joyce's mouth dropped in a way it only seems able to on TV. Giles finally stopped choking, swallowing the biscuit, and then stuttered out, in his typical watcher manor, only this time, there was not the logical, thought out sentence Xander was used to.

Giles: You know?

Xander: Of course I know

Giles: What... How...What...

Xander: What do you want me to answer first, the What, the how, or the what again?

Giles: What?... What?

Xander: You said what twice there G-man.

Giles: What?

Xander: There's the third.

Giles: I don't understand, How? What?

Xander: Slow down there, which do you want me to answer.

Giles: What

Xander: First, second or third?

Giles was no longer listening to him, both he and Joyce had just been majorly busted, and if things wasn't handled properly there could be problems, people could be hurt, especially Dawn and Buffy.

Giles: How?... How do you know?

Xander smiled, they must think he's stupid.

Xander: It's so obvious.

Joyce seemed a little upset about this.

Joyce: It is?

Xander: Yep, I could tell the moment you entered the room.

Joyce brought her hands to her stomach.

Giles: You could. How?

Xander: Well the fact you were holding hands was kind of a giveaway.

Giles: I don't see how that could have...

Xander: Giles, maybe in Europe that kind of stuff doesn't mean anything, maybe back home you have all that European kissing and holding hands with no one giving a second thought to it, but here it is pretty much a giveaway.

Giles: Good lord, I had no idea.

Joyce: It never used to mean...

Giles: You can tell all that just by us holding hands?

Xander: It wasn't just the holding hands, it was the way you were holding hands, you were inseparable.

Giles: But still... How could you have possibly...

How very observant... that's amazing

Joyce looked to Rupert.

Joyce: Is it that obvious already.

Giles: Of course not. I don't know how he could have... How he knows.

Joyce: But he does

Xander: Hello, I am still here.

Joyce: Xander, this is very important, have you told anyone.

Giles: Who else knows.

Xander: Who else knows? Well I would imagine just about everyone else in the room.

Giles: Good lord. Buffy knows?

Xander: What is up with this

Yeah, of course Buffy knows

Joyce: You told her?

Xander: No... You did.

Joyce: We didn't.

Xander: Wait... yes you did

Giles: We most certainly did not.

Xander: Yes you did... What was that talk all about?

Joyce (to Xander): Well that was about... What are you talking about.

Giles: Yes, it would be nice to know.

Xander: Wait, what are you talking about?

Giles: The same thing you are.

Xander: You two, becoming a... Um couple? Watcher talk down to a T... way to stutter Xander

Both Giles and Joyce looked somewhat relieved.

Giles: Yes, that's exactly what we were.. Um... talking about.

That's was to close

Joyce: Yes, what else could it possibly be but that.

Xander: So Buffy doesn't know about you two then?

Joyce: Yes of course, we just told her... woops

Xander: Wait, you said she didn't know.

Giles: We didn't.

Xander: If your aim was to confuse me. You succeeded.

Giles muttered "Good" under his breath, not loud enough for Xander to hear as anything more then a undecipherable whisper.

Xander: Pardon? 

Xander got caught up in a little bit of an argument in his head.

I never say pardon

Yes, but these are practically Buffy's parents.

So what

Make a good impression

Why, I already know both of them... they know me... bit late for good impressions

Still, it doesn't hurt

Why would I need to make a good impression... Oh man even my brains trying to confuse me now

Xander finally finished his little self argument, and looked questioningly at Giles and Joyce, who were still acting suspect, their demeanour stood out like a sore thumb. He was sure there was something up... well, it didn't exactly take a genius to work that out after their reaction to him congratulating them. 

Xander: Are you two all right, you seem like Willow when she tries to hide something.

Giles seemed about to crack, blurting out in denial there was anything else, a telltale sign that there sure as sure, as sure as black was black, and white was white there was something more to this.

Giles (immediately): Were fine.

Luckily, Joyce was a lot better at lying, once she knew that Xander didn't know, her parental skills of lying, after all the years of practice with lies, mainly convincing children the existence of the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, and convincing their offspring herb is bad for them. She answered giving Giles and angry glare for his stupid ness.

Joyce: Were fine thank you Xander (Looking at Giles) Would you come and help me in the kitchen please.

Giles: Of...of course.

Xander: Hey, that's my job... I'm the kitchen buddy... Giles just waltzes in and takes my job

A few moments later, Buffy appeared, both Giles and Joyce still in the kitchen arguing, well, more Joyce telling Giles off for something.

Xander: So Buff, wanna go grab that lunch.

Buffy: Taking me to dinner eh, Xander?

Xander: Well actually, I was hoping you'd take me to dinner... I have no money

Buffy: That's not very gentle-manly

Xander: Hey, I am very manly... Oh, you said Gentleman... Nope, that I am not. If you wanted a Gentleman you should have dated Giles.

Buffy: Giles?

Xander: Yeah, Giles is a gentleman... plus you have that slayer/watcher close contact, sweaty training thing going on for ya. Giles is perfect for you. I'm surprised you haven't gotten hot and heavy with him.

Buffy pretended to shudder in disgust.

Buffy: Giles... He's like my father now... that is disgusting Xander. It was bad enough with his being my Watcher status, and then there's the age thing...Talk about setting yourself up

Xander: Age?... I didn't think you cared about age... Giles is like a baby compared to Angel.

Buffy: If I remember, weren't both Anya and Ampanta a hell of a lot older then Angel?

Xander: By about a thousand years. Yep. What's your point?

Buffy: So how can you mock Angel.

Xander: Well it's just so easy, first he broods to much, then you've got his boring nature, and his deadness and...

Buffy: That's is not what I mean

Xander: Well, I'm not the one saying EEWW, he's to old about people. That's how.

Buffy: Oh, and I guess you wouldn't say no to dating.... my mother for instance.

Xander: Buffy, your mother is hot... Oopps what I mean to say is.... that um

Buffy looked at him warningly, her eyes narrowing at him.

Buffy: You better finish that with a 'only Joking'.

Xander: Only Joking, I would say was more 'easy on the eyes'.

Buffy (Warningly): Xander.

Xander: good looking? gorgeous? beautiful?...

Xander continued in his attempt to wind Buffy up, knowing he'd get a bite out of her, but oddly enough she wasn't reacting, instead she had a huge grin plastered across her face, and looked as if she was about to crack up laughing. Xander was going to give it one last shot, enjoying the banter they had going on a second ago, and hoping to get it going again.

Xander: Relax Buff, I'm joking. Your mother is more... 'Sexy'... 

Joyce: Thank you Xander, but I really am to old for you. Beside, I have Rupert now.

With that, both Buffy, her mum, and Giles all began laughing wildly.

Xander turned bright red as he realised what Buffy had found so funny, Joyce had been standing behind him whilst he had been saying all those things.

Oh God, how embarrassing

Xander: Um, Joyce.... How... Um long... long have you been standing there? 

Joyce: Long enough

Joyce said whilst still laughing.

Xander: Okay, your all laughing *with* me. Right?

Joyce: Of course dear, I would never laugh at my sweetie pie, Kitchen buddy.

This made them all laugh even more.

Buffy: Xander, however are you going to break it to Dawn. She'll be heart broken.

Xander: All very amusing. Ha ha, lets laugh at Xander.

He said in a not-quite-annoyed manor.

Joyce stopped laughing, and looked at him,

Joyce: I'm sorry Xander, but you should have seen it from our point of view. That's what you get for trying to wind up my daughter.

Xander: That's okay apology accepted. Lessen learned. Buff, you buying me that lunch or what?

Buffy: Well if I'm buying... what's in it for me?

Xander: Well you'd be accompanied by someone incredibly brilliant, witty, charming, handsome, and very modest.

Buffy: I don't know... sounds a drag... will you be there too?

Xander: Of course... in fact forget about that other person, just you and me.

Buffy: Sure, lets go. See you later mum, Giles.

Xander: See ya Joyce, G-man.

***

***

After they had left Giles looked at Joyce.

Giles: When are we going to tell her?

Joyce: When the times right.

Giles: So what do you think, is it going to be girl or boy?

***

***

Xander and Buffy were both walking towards the nearby Mcdonalds, despite Xander maintaining that if Buffy was paying, they might well as go to an all-you-can-eat restaurant.

Xander: So, back to the Giles topic then.

Buffy: Xander, there is such a thing as a joke getting old.

Xander: Well I don't see why that should be, you can use a good excuse over and over, again and again.

Buffy: and again... as you did in school.

Xander: As I remember Buff, you had 'your homework eaten by your goldfish' once yourself. 

Buffy: Exactly *once*, I didn't use it again and again.

Xander: Why change a classic. Why change that which works? A tried and proven excuse.

Buffy: So it worked once, but the teacher was incredibly drunk when you told him, he would have believed anything.

Xander: That doesn't excuse the fact that my excuse worked. Your just envious.

Buffy: Yep Xand, your constant excuses impress me greatly.

Xander: I know, you find me completely irresistible.

Buffy: I do?

Xander: Yep, I'm so appealing to Summers women.

Buffy: You are not.

Buffy said emphatically.

Xander: As I remember, you and your mother were both arguing passionately over me earlier on, and there's Dawn... Admit it, you Summers women all find me incredibly sexy.

Buffy (Sarcastically): Yep, you have us sussed.

Xander: I knew it. That's why you warned Dawn off so quickly. You wanted me all to yourself.

Buffy: Us Summers women are only after one thing.

Xander: Lucky me.

Buffy: Well better you then Giles I suppose.

Xander: Okay... what was that... she didn't actually say deny it emphatically, there's a step in a good direction... don't go getting your hopes up... Shut up, I'm not even listening anymore... Woohoo, woohoo, Yesss

Don't dismiss the G-man so fast... Your running out of people to date in Sunnydale.

Buffy: Just what are you implying?

Xander: Well... oops... what I meant to say is...

Buffy poked his arm jokingly as she spoke to emphasis each word.

Buffy: I know exactly what you meant Xander Lavelle Harris.

Xander: Ouch, the dreaded middle name...No, what I actually meant was.... Your beautiful?

Buffy: You can't keep doing that.

Xander looked at her innocently

Xander: Doing what?

Buffy: Complementing me after insulting me, just to get off the hook. You know I can't resist those puppy dog eyes.

Xander: Okay, now that was defiantly something

You... you can't?

Buffy (shyly): Well... No

Xander (grinning): So how about some hot, naked kitchen sex (As suggested by Queen Angel), and with that he gave her his best puppy dog eyes look.

Xander: OWW... so much for not being able to resist.

Both went into the Mcdonalds restaurant.

Unenthusiastic employee: What would you like.

Xander: I take it your out of happy meals then?

Employee: No we have...

Buffy: He was joking.

Employee (extremely sarcastically): How incredibly funny of you. Your wit far exceeds that of mine. Jerk. I'm going to spit in your food

Xander: Jerk

I'll have four bigmac's please, and whatever else Buff is having.

Buffy: Xand, you can't eat all that.

Xander: Watch me... I'll be sitting over there. 

Buffy: Hey, you can't leave me to carry it all... it's not very...

Xander: Gentlmanly... I thought we'd covered this one already.

Buffy: Xander... please.

Buffy said pouting slightly.

Xander: Okay, I'll stop the Xander puppy dog eyes if you stop the Buffy-pout. Deal?

Buffy: Nope, I like the power of the Buffy pout.

Xander: You know I can't resist the pout.

Buffy: Really, how about buying the food then.

Xander (disappointingly): Oh, I thought you were going to ask for hot, sweaty, naked, kitchen sex then. That I could do. But buying the food. No way.

Buffy: Fine. I'll get it.

Both sat down, Xander eating his food as fast as he could, so he could prove to Buffy that he could eat all 4 big-macs.

Buffy just starred into space. Eventually Xander looked at her. She wasn't starring into space, she was starring at him. Well this just keeps getting weirder and weirder... unless

He quickly checked his face, wiping it with a tissue just in-case he had something on it. Buffy didn't stop staring.

Xander: Okay I give up, what is it I have on my face that is so interesting? Buff... Buff... Hey Buff, are you listening to me... Obviously not... well I'm just gonna talk to myself, since you have completely zoned off.

Buffy: Huh? What? Did you say something?

Xander: Only a whole conversation.

Buffy: Sorry, I did kind of zone out there... what did you say?

Xander: Are you okay Buff... you seem... a little down.

Buffy (sarcastically): No, I'm just fiinnne.

Xander: I'm not gonna argue with that.

Buffy: Xander, I'm serious.

Xander: Is it a Xander fix it with buffoonery situation?

Buffy: Xander your not just my personal clown. Your important to me. You do know that right?

Xander (nervously): Okay, what is going on

Well I prefer the term jester rather then clown... but yeah.

Buffy: I just wanted to know.

Xander pretended to wipe a tear from his eye.

Xander: That's was so *sniff* beautiful...Your important to me to Buff... really, you mean a lot to me... not as much as your mother but still...

Buffy chucked something at him.

Buffy: Joke now, but I remember someone turning very red earlier on.

Suddenly Xander's bleeper went off.

Oh great just when I have one of those rare Buffy/Xander-closeness moments. This better be important.

Xander looked at the bleeper. Oh bloody hell. Great just great.

Xander: Listen Buff, I have to bail, there's a problem at work.

Buffy: On a Saturday?

Xander: I know, it sucks... but what are you going to do... I'm not just in demand with Summers women, but work too.

Xander got up to leave.

Buffy: Xander ask him, looks like someone couldn't handle all four big-macs No you idiot, ask him

Xander: Hey, it's not my fault... I such a workaholic.

Xander went to walk out but was stop by Buffy.

Buffy:Just ask Xander...

Xander: Yeah.

Buffy: Nothing, it's not important. No... what are you doing

Xander turned round again.

Buffy: Come on last chance Xander.

Xander: Uh huh... spit it out Buff.

Buffy: There's this... party tomorrow, and I was wondering if you would like to go... as my date... just as friends, you know... if you felt like it, we could go... if you didn't have anything else on.... You know, just as friends. Just as friends

Xander: Id love to Buff.

Buffy: Really?, great... Just as

Xander: Friends... I heard you the first, and second time.... I'll see you tomorrow then. Wow, wow... Wow... stop shaking...wow

Buffy: It's just as friends... why do I feel so nervous then

****

(Yada, yada, yada)

****

****

L.A.

10:47

Angel stood outside the building, lurking: his favourite pass time beside brooding, under the cover of the shadow. He was in full, annoying Angel stealth mode. After all, he didn't want anyone to see him.

Angel straightened his coat, dusting himself off slightly, before walking through the door.

WELCOME TO CARITAS

Tonight; Rap, Hip-hop & Reggae Karaoke.

Angel was stopped by a largish demon standing inside the door, who immediately ran a metal detector across Angel, finding him clean, he allowed him to pass.

His eye's scanned the room, looking for the target. Angel knew he would be there, he always was, it was after all a safe haven. Angel spotted Merl sitting on a stool by the bar, nursing a beer whilst watching Mordar attempt to sing. Angel made his way over to the bar, hoping the parasite demon wouldn't see him and try to run. He needed information, and hoped Merl would have it.

Angel: Hello Merl.

Merl: Vampire... what do you, ah, want.

Angel dipped his hand in his pocket pulling out a roll of money, and chucking a couple of notes on the bar.

Angel: Information.

Merl: Information I can do. What do you want to know?

Angel: Hi-Phop. I want to know about an order called the 'Hi-Phop'. What do you know?

Merl suddenly looked less interested in the money, pushing the notes away from him back to Angel.

Merl: I'm sure I don't know anything for that wad.

Angel chucked a few more notes on the table which Merl reluctantly took, stuffing the notes into his pocket.

Merl: Hi-Phop. You might want to check under modern magics... say, post 1900, diary of MG.Milles.

Angel: Thank you.

Merl: Oh, vampire, remember, I'm not a book... next time you want information, don't ask me... or bring some more incentive.

Angel turned round quickly, his long coat waving dramatically as he turned, and walked straight into the host. Again.

Host: We must stop meeting like this.

Angel: I was just...

Host: Well, I knew you'd be back, no one can resist the charms of karaoke... And you wore your fabulous coat. You just have to tell me where you shop.

Angel: Well I didn't come to....

Angel never got a chance to finish, before he was dragged onto the stage by the... 'charismatic'... host, who lead him out onto the stage. 

Host: Well, starting our 'theme' night, back by popular demand, the vampire with a soul. Give a warn reception for Angel. And his own version and lyrics of 'The real slim shady'

Angel coughed a little, trying to clear his throat so he could sing.

Angel: May I have your attention please?

May I have your attention please?

Will the real tortured vampire please stand up?

I repeat Will the real tortured vampire please stand up?

//A few people walk out.//

Were gonna have a problem here.

Ya'll act like you've never seen a soul'd vampire before

Coat length to the floor, broods all day, and acts like a real guilty bore.

Punk bitch, dead corpse trying to act heroic.

Angel's, back, whinnier then before.

It's the return of the-

O wait, no way, you're a fool, you didn't pay money for this vid. box-set did you?

And Doyle said-

... Nothing you idiot, Doyles dead cause I couldn't do my job, instead you got the Mordar the bentback writing all your lyrics.

Young under-aged school girls love Angel-

Chicka chicka chicka, Angelus I love him,

look at him, walking around, brooding about you know what,

Going round killing you know who "Yeah but he's so tortured though"

Yeah I probably got a couple of killing urges in my head loose,

but no worse then what was going on in Buffy and Rileys bedrooms (Authors notes: Riley=scum)

Sometimes I wanna go out to kill and let some steam loose,

but can't, but it's okay for Buffy to hump me; a dead corpse,

Buffs sword is in my heart, Buffs sword is in my heart,

and if I'm lucky she just might not send me to hell,

instead she might give me another screw,

And that's the message we teach to little kids,

That you can go on a killing spree, and never know what justice is.

Of course Buff knows what intercourse is,

by the time she hit 16,

I'd already seduced her, and got my dick in,

It ain't nothing but hair gel, well some of it is superglue,

making my hair stick up like a cock after taking some of my Viagra,

But if we can hump vampires, and seduce under age women,

then there's no reason that I can't suck blood from living victims, 

Say Buffy, when Faith hit me with the poisonous dart

But if you feel like Xander does bout it,

everyone wave your stakes, sing the chorus and it goes...

I'm the real Angelus,

Yes I'm the former brooding Vampire,

All you other serial killers are just imitating,

so won't the original 300+ year old killer...

please stand up, please stand up, please stand up,

Because I'm the real Angel,

Yes I'm the only boring superhero,

All you other tortured souls aren't nearly as boring,

So won't the real PTB-whipped vamp

please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.

Angel finished passionately, standing on the stage, the spotlight trained on him, no one was left in the audience. Bowing to the none existent applause.

Suddenly three men burst through the door, each carrying Ak-47's. Angel couldn't see there faces, they were sporting back to front hoodie's with 'East coast posse' written across the front, with eye slits cut in so they could see.

Man1: Yo bitch, who ya think you fucking with Hi-Phop for.

Man2 (to man one): Kill the West coast, bitch.

Angel who was still in character after his solo answered back.

Angel: Yo, you pussy-whipped gang bangers, who you think you are coming to my manor and threatening me. This is the west coast, bitch, get your ass back to the east coast before me and my homeboys cap your arses.

Man2: Shut it bitch, you think I give a fuck this is your hood.

Angel: Listen I ain't got no beef with ya, I'll be goose, just go home, forget bout this.

Man2: I thought I told you to shut the fuck up.

He fired a few rounds at Angel making him jump a few times to avoid being hit.

Man2: Dance away real slim shady.

Man1 (to Man1): What yo think your fucking around for, the Hi-Phop brother hood said take him alive.

Man2: Yo, he ain't even a brother, he's a fucking Honky. I say we kill him now.

Man1: He might be a peckerwood, but 'MC' still wants to see him.

Man2: Yeah fuck that shit.

Man1: Fuck yourself bi-atch.

Angel: What's the Hi-Phop want with me.

Man1: You are trying to stop the rise of the ultimate gangster.

Angel: What?

Man2: Ever heard of the myth of Magik-C

Angels eyes suddenly went wide as he realised what the Hi-Phop was, remembering having read something about them. Oh god no

Angel attempted to run, heading towards the back door.

The third man, who had been silent up till now, had finally had enough, spraying the contents of his clip at the stage, hitting Angel as he ran, causing him to immediately collapsed with numerous wounds.

Man2 (to man3): Yo man, you an OG now.

The three men began arguing over what had happened, and who would take the blame for killing the man.

Man1: I'm outta here before the pigs arrive.

Man2: You man, you' shook one.

Man1: Fuck you niggah, I'm not a pussy, just don't want to go down in this shit hole.

Man2: Whats up, the honky was a rap singer, the cops just think it's a gangster killing.

Man1: Yeah, but not if they catch us.

And with that, the three men left the now dead, or what they thought was dead man. They had no idea he wasn't human, but instead a vampire, so had no idea that simple bullets couldn't stop him. Only severely hurt him.

As they left, Angel crawled to his phone. He had to warn Buffy before it was too late.

temporary end.

***

***

Note: Yeah, I am really going somewhere with this... and it will actually be a B/X fic... no really it will.


End file.
